When Rachel met her new partner, Paul, last summer, her life got even more complicated. Rachel’s ex-husband, Dan, 42, had already moved on and was living with his new, much younger, girlfriend. Rachel, 41, a digital content provider, shouldered the bulk of looking after their two daughters, who go to their dad’s every other weekend. Her relationship with her ex was far from cordial, but had to work because of the kids.
Now there was a new person in the mix. When should Rachel introduce Paul to her children? Did he need to meet her ex? When Rachel and Paul discussed moving in together, how soon was too soon? And now that they want to have a baby together and move further away from Dan, how will that affect the existing arrangement with her girls?
Rachel’s situation is common. According to the most recent ONS figures from 2019, more than 32 per cent of marriages include at least one partner who is remarrying, and 1.1 million children in England and Wales live in a blended step-family. Some estimates even suggest one in three families in the UK are blended. (Technically, a blended family is one with children from previous relationships plus children from the new relationship, although many step-families that bring children with them also refer to themselves as blended.)
Despite this — and the delicate nature of a blended arrangement — there’s little practical advice to be had about bringing two families together and how to make a new one that works for everyone.
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Katherine Walker is a psychotherapist, couples therapist and blended family coach whose new book, Step Up, addresses issues that can arise. “Blended families face such unique complexities compared with nuclear families,” says Walker, a stepchild and stepmother herself. But, she adds, “a blended family brings its own unique opportunity to create something new based on solid life experience rather than arguably naive ideals”.
This is her advice for parents navigating a blended family.
Don’t treat your kids like unwanted guests
In a blended family “all the relationships need conscious time and attention in order to work”, Walker says. That’s true whether you have the kids at your house all the time or just at weekends, and it becomes even more important if you and your new partner have more children together.
“I love my half-brother, but it was so hurtful to see how his needs seemed to be prioritised over mine,” says Finlay, 31, whose father got together with his stepmother when he was 10. “They would go on holiday and not invite me; I was discouraged from staying over; and the few times I was allowed to stay with them, I was asked to make up and strip my bed and bring my own towels. I felt like a second-class citizen.”
The kids, “for however much of the time they’re in your house, deserve to feel safe and welcome”, Walker says. If you have minority custody the onus is on the parent to do the heavy lifting. That means ensuring some one-on-one time as part of every visit, reassuring your child that you love them and reminding them of the impact of their behaviour if they are hostile rather than letting them get away with it.
You don’t need your co-parent to approve your new partner
Neither do you automatically have to introduce your ex to your new partner, Walker says. “The fact that there are children in the mix can often give people pause for thought — otherwise, typically we wouldn’t consider introducing our ex to our new partner,” she says. “It should not be considered a given.”
When considering whether to introduce the two, things to think about include whether both parties actually want to meet; for whose benefit it is that they are doing so; and whether it might be painful for your ex, particularly if you suspect they are still emotionally attached to you. “Don’t feel you need to squash this new dimension into your family’s life,” Walker adds.
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Talk about titles
“As my second wedding day approached, I wondered if my soon-to-be-husband’s daughter would feel OK if I referred to her as my stepdaughter,” says Polly, 42, who remarried a decade ago. “I decided to broach the subject. Cassie said she was surprised that I wasn’t already referring to her in this way: she had thought of me as her stepmum for some time already. I was so relieved.”
“Talking things through clears the way for everyone to have their needs met,” Walker says. But, she points out, there’s also no hard and fast rule.
“We were a big family, all under one roof right from the start,” says Charlie, now 27, who was one of three kids when his mother met Alec, who had two children. The parents went on to have a child together. One day Charlie’s mum and Alec sat the kids down and offered them two choices: to continue to distinguish between biological siblings or to recognise they were all part of one family.
“From there on in, no one said ‘half’ this or ‘step’ that. We were all just brothers and sisters,” Charlie says. The key is not to assume anything about titles and give everyone a choice.
“Birdnesting” doesn’t work
It has become fashionable in recent years for separating parents to let the kids continue to live in the family home while they take it in turns to stay and look after them — so-called “birdnesting”. Walker says this is a terrible idea. “There are so many issues with it I don’t even know where to start.”
Parents who do this end up neglecting their own feelings, including the difficulty associated with getting back into the marital bed. For the children there’s the confusion of nothing changing on the surface but their parents clearly feeling the strain. Walker advises figuring out a long-term plan as early as you can.
Don’t leave it to one person to set behaviour expectations
“My mum and stepdad’s parenting styles were really different to my dad and stepmum’s,” says Andrew, 46, whose parents both remarried when he was a young adult. “It was really confusing.”
All parents have their own approach to discipline. This can become more obvious — and challenging — if you’re co-parenting with an ex. Remember you can set your own rules and that a step-parent should also have input. If you’re having issues with your ex’s parenting style, try a “my house, my rules” approach. “It’s a way to set your own expectations while taking care not to criticise the way the co-parent likes to do things,” Walker says.
Set your new family values
Think of you and your new partner as a team and work out how you want your new unit to work. Perhaps it’s time to say that you hate holidaying at the British seaside; you don’t want to be the only person who does the cooking any more; or you want family time to mean board games not TV. “If we’re not conscious we fall back into the old patterns — which might not work,” Walker says. This is a chance to write new rules.
Don’t assume it will be easier if the kids are older
“I think starting a blended family is easiest when the kids are between the ages of 6 and 12,” Walker says. “There’s lots of neuroplasticity in their brains, so they can adapt to new environments more easily and they’re more likely to take things at face value. If the adults in their lives are behaving like grown-ups and the children feel secure, there’s no reason why the children can’t adjust and the new family unit can’t be strong.”
The older your kids are, the harder it gets — and while it’s hardly surprising the teenage years are tricky, the impact that forming a new family can have on adult children “should not be underestimated”, Walker says. “It challenges the child-parent relationship in all sorts of ways.” Her advice is to “check in with them. Ask what you could be doing differently.” Step-parents should also consider the role they would like to play in adult stepchildren’s lives.
For all parties, Walker says, “quality relationships built for the long term require a) you to understand and deal with your own emotional baggage, and b) clear communication with those around you.”
Step Up: Step-Parenting and the Art of Creating a Healthy, Happy, Blended Family by Katherine Walker (Headline Home £16.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Free UK standard P&P on orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members.
